Acting versus Reacting

Let's save our energy, anxiety and panic mode for things that are actually going to cause our children harm such as sharp objects, crossing the streets, hitting someone, being surrounded by water, gun exposure.... you get the idea. Let's try to react when things are actually going to cause harm.   Of course this is easier said than done because the reality is that we parent based on our template, and that template may reflect the way we were parented: Panic and react to everything and anything that triggers an anxiety within us.

The idea of panicking and reacting to something is embedded in us. Whenever we see children climbing, jumping or touching we are programmed to immediately say “No!” or “Don't do that!” However, if we ask ourselves how else is a child going to experience or feel something if we are constantly preventing our children from being exposed to the experiences and emotions that life brings.

I mentioned in my previous article: http://kindparentingblog.blogspot.com/2016/04/painful-life-lessons-beautiful-thing-to.html. We should embrace pain instead of trying to prevent it. This way as our children mature, they will be more open to life's failures or painful events, such as losing a job being, being rejected by other people, losing a child, enduring death, car accident or even losing material things. Breaking up from a serious relationship or simply not having a "good day" are inevitable in life, and we have no control of it.  When a child suffers a deeply distressing or disturbing experience, the idea is for us to guide the child and help them cope with the situation.

How do we help our children cope with life's traumas and disappointments? We first need to be OK with the experience. It does not matter how bad, sad or terrible the experience may be. We need to realize that it is not about how we feel. It is about helping the individual child learn to cope.

For example, a death of a friend can be very traumatic for anyone. If my child was in this situation, I may say "I know this is a very difficult situation, how can I help you feel better?” Depending on the child’s age group, by asking if I can be of any help, I am letting the child know that I understand the pain, and that I am OK with helping him or her cope. I also need to be OK with the silence. Perhaps the child wants to be left alone, and this is perfectly acceptable. Again, it is not about how we feel or a moment to lecture.

Not winning a game can also be devastating for our children, especially if we have not dealt with our own fear of losing and understanding that losing is also part of the game.  Losing a game or a contest is how we learn and get better. Unfortunately, our society has made the word "loser" to be a terrible thing to endure.

In my family culture I embrace losing when I am playing with my 5-year-old daughter. Which was something she was not happy about since the perception of losing is taught to be a negative aspect of the game. I took this perfect opportunity to role play both scenarios with my daughter. When we play and I lose, I say: "I am a happy loser.” We continue to play and when she loses, she is now saying to me: "I am a happy loser." And we continue to play. In other words, life goes on and I am automatically teaching her about sportsmanship and grace—without having to lecture her about it.

It is with the little things that we teach our children about resilience and endurance. By acting in a practical manner and choosing not to react, our children relate to us and they feed of the way we handle ourselves and their experiences.

Be a YES Parent with Conviction

In a world where the majority of people are negative and are taught to believe that children are meant to be seen and not heard this got me to thinking: I need to make the conscious decision to change my template, in other words, the way I was trained to believe children should not have a voice or a form of expression.

For years we have been taught “The No,” but before we had our first child, I made the choice that I was not going to use the word “No”— unless it was necessary. Part of my reasoning was because “No” is the first word an infant learns to grasp—It’s no secret why—we, the adults have it embedded in our vocabulary.

So for almost five years I’ve been on this journey of being a YES kind of parent. I first start by creating an environment in which I don’t have to say the word “No.” From the choices of food we bring to the house, the toys we buy, the outside activities we do as family, etcetera.  I also had to reinvent my vocabulary by not saying things like: “don't touch this or don't touch that, don't do this or don't do that.” I have incorporated other words, such as: “Let’s try this instead,” or “What about this?” or “What do you think of this.”  Or redirect by distracting the child with another activity if the child is still an infant and cannot speak.

Growing up in a scarce environment with limited resources and not always getting everything one desired, can temp us to allow this past experience to influence our present parenting abilities. 

In fact, at times we had very little to share but one thing I do remember is my grandmother telling my cousins and me “Today we have one banana and that's all we have, but this one banana we're going to share amongst all of us.”  That was a true life lesson for me, and I was only five or six years old.  I still remember my grandmother’s conviction and how she stood in her own two feet and believed in her message. Until this day, I believe this is why giving back and sharing is so very important. 

My four-year-old wants everything in the store if she could get it. I choose to be a YES parent by not allowing my past experiences or my ego contaminate her present experiences. Keeping in mind that what happened to me or my ancestors have nothing to do with my four-year-old, instead of saying: “No, you cannot have that,” I choose to say: “Our budget allows us to buy XYZ,” or “Remember what we came to buy.” If we have already established the understanding of why we went to the store.

However, if what my daughter wants is something that is going to put a smile in her face and it is not going to harm her in any way, I am happy to make it happen for her without feeling shame or guilt for it.  Keeping in mind the age group---some things are not a big deal.

By being a YES parent with conviction, I am teaching my children about resilience and about how anything and everything is possible! This lesson is not taught in a school or college.   This lesson is taught by the person that spends quality time with that child.

          So go ahead, be that YES parent, and don't worry about your audience (the people that are judging your parenting abilities).  Follow your heart, and as I've always said, have a little fun. These are the things that our children will remember.

By being a YES parent with conviction you are building the foundation of resilience, positivity and most importantly -- that everything is possible!

Kirsy Espejo

kirsy@kindparenting.org

www.kindpareting.org