In a world where the majority of people are
negative and are taught to believe that children are meant to be seen and not
heard this got me to thinking: I need to make the conscious decision to change
my template, in other words, the way I was trained to believe children should
not have a voice or a form of expression.
For years we have been taught “The No,” but before we had our first
child, I made the choice that I was not going to use the word “No”— unless it
was necessary. Part of my reasoning was because “No” is the first word an
infant learns to grasp—It’s no secret why—we, the adults have it embedded in
our vocabulary.
So for almost five years I’ve been on this
journey of being a YES kind of parent. I first start by creating an environment
in which I don’t have to say the word “No.” From the choices of food we bring
to the house, the toys we buy, the outside activities we do as family,
etcetera. I also had to reinvent my
vocabulary by not saying things like: “don't touch this or don't touch that,
don't do this or don't do that.” I have incorporated other words, such as: “Let’s
try this instead,” or “What about this?” or “What do you think of this.” Or redirect by distracting the child with
another activity if the child is still an infant and cannot speak.
Growing up in a scarce environment with limited
resources and not always getting everything one desired, can temp us to allow
this past experience to influence our present parenting abilities.
In fact, at times we had very little to share
but one thing I do remember is my grandmother telling my cousins and me “Today we
have one banana and that's all we have, but this one banana we're going to
share amongst all of us.” That was a true life lesson for me, and
I was only five or six years old. I
still remember my grandmother’s conviction and how she stood in her own two
feet and believed in her message. Until this day, I believe this is why giving
back and sharing is so very important.
My four-year-old wants everything in the store
if she could get it. I choose to be a YES parent by not allowing my past experiences
or my ego contaminate her present experiences. Keeping in mind that what happened
to me or my ancestors have nothing to do with my four-year-old, instead of
saying: “No, you cannot have that,” I choose to say: “Our budget allows us to
buy XYZ,” or “Remember what we came to buy.” If we have already established the
understanding of why we went to the store.
However, if what my daughter wants is something
that is going to put a smile in her face and it is not going to harm her in any
way, I am happy to make it happen for
her without feeling shame or guilt for it. Keeping in mind the age group---some things are not a big deal.
By being a YES parent with conviction, I am teaching my children about
resilience and about how anything and everything is possible! This lesson is
not taught in a school or college. This lesson is taught by the person that
spends quality time with that child.
So go ahead, be that YES parent, and don't worry about your
audience (the people that are judging your parenting abilities). Follow your heart, and as I've always said,
have a little fun. These are the things that our children will remember.
By being a YES parent with conviction you are
building the foundation of resilience, positivity and most importantly -- that everything is possible!
Kirsy Espejo
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